What I help with
Relationships and the patterns you keep repeating
One sentence from your mum and you're fifteen again. A late reply and your whole evening is gone. You say yes to your kids when you meant no, then feel furious with yourself, or them. You keep choosing the same kind of person, even though you swore you wouldn't.
You can probably explain all of it. Attachment styles, people pleasing, codependency, trauma bonding: you may have read the lot. And it still happens, because the reaction fires before the insight gets a word in.
Does this sound like you?
- Feeling anxious in a relationship that's actually fine. Checking your phone, reading into every tone.
- Missing someone who treated you badly, and not understanding why you can't let go.
- Looking after everyone else's feelings and losing track of your own.
- Not being able to say no, to your kids, your parents, your boss or your friends.
- Parents, in-laws or an ex who can set you off with one look.
- A broken heart that hasn't moved, long after you thought it would.
- Wanting to forgive, or being told you should, and not knowing what that would even mean.
Why understanding hasn't been enough
These patterns usually started as protection. At some point, keeping someone close, keeping the peace or keeping quiet was the safest option you had. Your nervous system learnt it well, and it's still doing its job. Insight tells you the danger has passed. The reaction hasn't had the memo.
So we work with what happens in your body when it fires: the tight chest, the drop in your stomach, the heat in your face. We use touch, the way we first learned we were safe and connected. The touch is the palms of your own hands, and I do it alongside you. You don't have to tell me everything. We start with what happens in you now.
What changes
The same text comes in, and nothing fires. You're still you. You can ask what actually happened and which part was yours, decide whether to help, say no without the guilt hangover, and put your phone down. Your evening is still your evening.
Relationships still take two people, and this work won't change anyone else. It changes what happens in you, and that often changes a lot around you.
Before and after
Before
The text comes in. Chest tight, face hot. You fire back something you regret, or go cold and silent, and the rest of the day is gone.
After
The same text comes in, and nothing fires. You ask what actually happened, decide on purpose, and put the phone down. Your evening is still your evening.
Questions people ask
Is this couples therapy?
No. I work with you, one to one. You don't need anyone else to come along or agree to anything.
If you'd like to work as a pair, double sessions are welcome in any format: mother and child, siblings, partners, or business partners. You'll each need at least one private session with me first.
Will I have to talk about my childhood?
Not in detail, unless you want to. We work with the reaction as it shows up now, and the story can stay as private as you like.
How many sessions will I need?
Most people start with three. We'll talk it through on a free call first, so you know what you're signing up for. Fees are on the fees page.
Keep reading
Start where you are.
A free 20-minute call to see if this work is right for you. If it isn't, I'll tell you.